I feel lost today. And I think it’s because I don’t breathe much.
Lately I’ve been feeling guilty about the amount of time I’ve had to myself, but, it still never feels like it’s enough. After all, at the end of the day, if I didn’t make anything, what will I have to show for myself?
Validation comes in many forms and I’m discovering that my particular brand is work. I want to work. I like to work. If I don’t work, then what the fuck am I doing with my life?
That, however, is the greater question: what AM I doing with my life?
I’m a self-defined actor—I went to college for it, continued my studies in Chicago, have performed in tons of storefront-professional plays, a few small independent movies and I’ve even booked some national radio commercial work—but still, I don’t feel accomplished. It’s a Sisyphean problem.
But what if I’m unhappy with the life I’m leading? Or, rather, what if I’m an actor who only wants to do the quality of work that’s worth my time? Am I wrong? Am I the cart before the horse? Must I put in more dues? Am I living in the wrong city? Where do I begin? WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?!
I want to follow my Joseph Campbell bliss.
While I’m closer to this than ever before, I feel like there’s a fog between myself and the knowledge of what that is.
Daily, I’m uncovering my fear. Sometimes it’s, “What if nothing becomes of my life?” Sometimes it’s, “What if I’m abandoned and alone.” Most days it’s, “I really don’t want to fuck this up…”
Yet, there is nothing to fuck-up.
Isn’t that the lesson? I think I get that. But then why do I still feel so scared?
Because: what’s coming is uncertain. And there’s no preparing for that.
Guess I just have to roll with the punches. Either that or become better acquainted with my terror.