Friday, November 4, 2011

Anxiety and Me

I like to write by hand before putting anything online.

This gives me a tangible sense of "doing something." I've also read--thank you Julia Cameron--that it's more emotionally engaging to write with your palm (i.e. holding a pen) than with your fingers (i.e. typing on a keyboard). However, I just finished reading bits of what I spent the last hour journaling--I'm an avid journaler--and it made me anxious. I would hate to share that feeling with you! After all, I write to get over anxiety not to reacquaint myself with it.

So...instead, let me tell you about my day.

Today, I spent a lot of time today working on a number of self-help exercises. What am I after? Creating a life worth living. And if I'm not doing that, then what am I doing? Just busying myself with tasks, to-dos and stuff.

I don't know about you, but I find stuff validating. Rather, I find DOING stuff validating. Certain things provide a greater sense of validation, but doing in general will often do just fine. And when I'm not doing? Uh-oh, that's when anxiety sets in the heaviest

Ah! I'm talking about it again! I can't get away from it. What do you want with my life, anxiety? Back off, fucker. This one's mine.

Someone recently gave me the advice to get to know my anxiety. Learn to sit with it and be with it. To ask it, what are you about? After all, anxiety can't be entirely bad. It's a survival mechanism. So ask it, "what are you so afraid of, anxiety? What are you trying to survive?"

Maybe my above reaction was a little too brash. Forgive me, anxiety, but I still don't like you.

But I'm getting comfortable with you. I know more of what you're about and why you're here and what you want. I guess you could say we're one in the same, anxiety, blah blah blah, so I should try to treat you (myself) with a little more respect. Perhaps next time I feel you, anxiety, I'll take you out for a cup of tea.

I'd rather have coffee, but I don't think that'd be good for either of us.

Post Script: 33 minutes. Still over, but closer to the mark.

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